Pregnant and I do not want to be

12 Feb

A guest post by a writer who wishes to remain anonymous

When the plus sign came up I just stared, not surprised, not not surprised, just that groggy7:48 am feeling of “oh.” I threw the test away. Then I picked it up out of the trash and behind my mirror in the cabinet. Looked at myself dead in the face and walked to kiss my Father Good Morning (I live at home).

Is it a Good Morning? He got ready and I lifted my shirt up in the mirror to see my belly. Touch it. I’m pregnant. Really dark blue plus sign pregnant. Which, you know, I suppose I was expecting (no pun intended) because I went so far as to piss on a pregnancy test.

Yesterday, I reached for a jar in a friend’s kitchen and when I brought down my arm I almost screamed in pain. My upper arm lightly pressed the outside of my breast and, bam, agony. Fuck, I thought, I’m pregnant. And then went on cooking because I’ve heard its best to piss on the stick in the morning. Really, that’s how my mind works: You’re pregnant, for sure, you’re pissing on a stick in the morning, could you please pass the salt.

I don’t know who created this mass of cells with me. I’ll know between 3:40 and 4:40 pm this afternoon when an ultrasound tells the gestation. I had sex twice in January, with two different people, and for the first (and second) time in over six months.

I am getting an abortion. There’s no two ways to Sunday on that one. I have an appointment today to confirm that I am eligible for a medical abortion. I will know the father and the day I am extracting it from my body. Father? Am I a mother now?

I don’t know. I also don’t know who to tell. If it’s the second man, I will tell him. I don’t know how to contact the first. And other than potentially one persona, I don’t have anyone. My family and my best friends, mentors, and former coworkers, would probably all know what to say, but I don’t want to hear any one close to me’s opinions or point of views. I don’t want to be able to hear any one else’s voice in my mind other than my own right now. At least until I know more.

4 Responses to “Pregnant and I do not want to be”

  1. debra February 12, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

    Good luck and all the best.

  2. Barb February 12, 2013 at 3:45 pm #

    You will get through this. Many, MANY of us have. I did. You have to make the right decision for you and be proud that did. You will feel great sadeness. You will mourn. And that will lessen over time. And if you change your mind, that’s ok, too. Again, whatever is best for your life. God bless and good luck.

  3. Anon February 13, 2013 at 11:42 am #

    Best advice is mourn if you need to, at least say goodbye to it, it was once a part of you and your body made it.

    Also IMO, you are not a mother or father until you have made the decision to keep the pregnancy and modified your life to protect and care for it. A mother or father is made by the crucible of a kept pregnancy and more importantly parenthood. A mum or father is born when they choose to get up for the repeatedly 2am feedings to the detriment of your own sanity (sleep deprivation is a form of torture), by changing the 1,456th diaper etc.

    If it were me, I wouldn’t tell the ‘father’, especially if I wasn’t sure who it was but you do what’s best for you!!!

    You will survive this, you will be okay and hopefully your life will be better for this decision.

    Good luck and blessing be upon you.

  4. Vieve May 17, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    Thanks for sharing – you are brave for doing so

    xo

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