So, I’m going to lay it all out there. This may be TMI, but for those of you who have or are considering doing this, you’ll thank me later. For the rest of you, I’m sorry. Fair warning, this post will mostly be about poop.
So, I walked y’all through the actual donation. I think I stopped at the point at which I woke up and was like, damn, this is sucky… no? Ok, backtracking a little bit: when I woke up from the anesthesia, roughly 10 mins after the procedure was finished, I was like damn, this is sucky. Ok, now you’re caught up.
So, I woke up from the pain of being dilated. Being dilated is balls, guys. Terrible. Like the worst fucking feeling. Instantly induces cramps, major ones, and they don’t go away for a while. So the nice nurses gave me a shot of an extra painkiller for that day. That was nice of them, and I went home feeling ok. My friend picked me up, and we went and got diner food, which was a rockin decision because when are johnnycakes (corn pancakes) ever not a good idea? (The answer is that they’re always a good idea. Always.)
After he dropped me off is when I decided a nap was in my best interests. So I napped. And I woke up in a ton of pain again. Took more Aleve, per the nurses instructions.
WHAT NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR WAS THE CONSTANT AND PAINFUL NEED TO POOP FOR THE NEXT 4-5 DAYS. I feel as though this is something that SOMEONE should have mentioned to me. Like before it happened. Like WELL before it happened.
So, from what I can gather (mostly my own observations), as your ovaries are getting more and more swollen, you are being more and more ginger with them (it’s a weird fucking feeling), and you’re doing less of the things that put pressure on your swollen abdomen, like pooping on a regular basis. Thus, you’re left with an abdomen full of poop that would have otherwise been eliminated, but you were being a wuss about it, so now you’re cramping and we all know from getting our periods what cramps can do to your intestines. You poop. A lot. The end.
Except, in this case, not the fucking end. Because you still can’t exercise, so aside from the cramps, which in and of themselves are shitty, you can’t even do anything to help make the pain go away and get the poo out of yourself faster (a good, long run would accomplish both of these things). Because you’d totally put yourself at risk of twisting your fallopian tube. Because your ovaries are still swollen like motherfucking key limes. And I can’t stress this enough: you have to shit like all the time. For the next 5 days. It was total nonsense.
Sigh, so you cramp for 3 or 4 days, you shit your brains out for a week, and then at some point, walking doesn’t feel entirely shitty, and you start being nice to people that you work with again (and they stop asking if you if you’re feeling ok, because you don’t look so hot), and you try bouncing on a trampoline (if you’re me) and you feel pretty ok (7 days later).
Two weeks later, it’s like nothing ever happened, except you’re $8,000 in the positive and you’re mildly traumatized by your own bathroom.
Recommendations: have some stool softener on hand. Take pain meds in advance of the pain (not in advance of the surgery though, duh). And buy nice toilet paper for that week. Your ass will thank you (and me) for it.